Something Rotten 4

Ophelia and Polonius exit.

Hamlet, Horatio and

Marcellus enter.

Hamlet:

Well that was weird.

Marcellus:

It was.

Horatio:

It was, pure weird.

Hamlet:

You think there’s anthin’ to it?

Horatio:

I dunno.

Hamlet:

Okay I have to think. Good God why me?

I swear to god, I’m goin’ round the bend.

I’m loosin’ it, Okay lets deal with facts:

What happened there was weird.

Horatio:

Yeah. very weird.

Marcellus:

It was, pure weird.

Hamlet:

It was. I know, but nothing’s certain. Right?

I mean that; just because; it doesn’t follow.

Marcellus:

What are you gonna do about it then?

Hamlet:

My head is wrecked. I don’t know what to do.

Okay lets say it’s true. All that in there.

Lets say my uncle murdered my old man.

He’d have to be a cold and dang’rous type.

And if he knew that I was on to him.

Then what’s to stop him doin’ away with me?

Marcellus:

And what’s to stop him doin’ away with us?

Hamlet:

Then I should get him first then shouldn’t I?

Well no. I can’t just kill the man, like that.

I’d still have to be sure before I… wait!

Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna freak!

I’m gonna lose it. Act the loola, yeah.

I’ll go a little wonky in the brain.

Just for show mind you, but then maybe

I’ll see if I can catch him off his guard.

If he did it, I’ll find out soon enough.

So that’s the plan right? ‘Hamlet’s off his head’.

You cant let on you know. You hear me now?

Horatio:

We wont let on we know.

Hamlet:

Your solemn vow?

Horatio:

You have it.

Hamlet:

Oh god why me?; How come that I’m the one.

That has to do whatever must be done.

We’ll all go together, c’mon.

Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus exit.

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and a telephone

Kiosk on wheels.

Rosencrantz:

(Wheeling the telephone kiosk)

Okay here?

Guildenstern:

That’s fine.

Rosencrantz:

You mind my askin’ what was wrong with were it was?

Guildenstern:

No privacy. We gotta do this right. These people are

royalty remember. Now lend me a guilder.

Rosencrantz:

I aint got a guilder.

Guildenstern:

You aint got a guilder, okay lend me a florin.

Rosencrantz:

I aint got a florin.

Guildenstern:

You aint got a guilder, you aint got a florin, what

have you got?

Rosencrantz:

What have I got?

Guildenstern:

Yeah what you got?

Rosencrantz:

I got a friend who likes to borrow money that’s what

I got.

Guildenstern:

What happened to your Performance fee?

Rosencrantz:

I lent it to a girl.

Guildenstern:

You lent it to a girl?

Rosencrantz:

Yeah I lent it to a girl. She wanted to get some

plastic surgery.

Guildenstern:

You lent it… Well why don’t you just ask for it back?

Rosencrantz:

Well I would but I don’t know what she looks like

anymore.

Guildenstern:

You… Hello Operator? I’d like to place a collect call

please, To Denmark. That’s yes, and I’d like yes The

Palace extension… wait a minute

He consults a scrap of paper

Palace extension two B. Or… not two B!- sorry two

eight, I think yeah that should be the Kings room.

What? Oh sorry yes ‘Guildenstern’, no it’s Irish.

Tell him I got his telegram. I’ll wait.

(pause)

Rosencrantz:

Say, wait a minute, what happened to YOUR Performance

fee?

Guildenstern:

My performance fee?

Rosencrantz:

Yeah, your Performance fee.

Guildenstern:

Look I’ll have you know I am a sensitive performer

and artist and this talk of money disgusts me. If you

want to talk about something as base and revolting as

business you’ll have to take it up with my revolting

disgusting business manager… Hello? Oh hello your

kingship we got your telegram… right away? Well we’d

love to only see we have a tiny cash flow…, you

would? Well that’s great..(to Rosenkrantz)we got the

tickets (to phone) what’s that? Oh ham, nuts, we

have no allergies, I’m sure any old banquet will be

fine ,whatever your having yourself your monarchical

… Oh Hamlet? Hamlet’s nu… ahah… I see… I ahah… well

sure your majestical… Yes… ahah… I mean we’ll see

what we can do… That sure is a pity. Right away your

Royalness. We’ll be there. (hangs up)

Rosencrantz:

Whassup?

Guildenstern:

Kids gone screwy.

Rosencrantz:

The kid?

Guildenstern:

That’s Prince Hamlet to you jeepers, show some

respect, cant you?... Thay say he’s gone stark

raving. One shoe on and one shoe off and quoting

pretty bad poetry at everybody.

Sounds like he needs a psychiatrist.

Rosencrantz:

You know I went to a psychiatrist once.

Guildenstern:

Oh yeah?

Rosencrantz:

Yeah I thought I was a bit cracked.

Guildenstern:

Oh yeah?

Rosencrantz:

Yeah and after seeing him for a while I wasn’t

cracked anymore.

Guildenstern:

You weren’t?

Rosencrantz:

No. I was broke.

Guildenstern:

That’s pretty clever, d’you know I think you must

have a brain like Einsteins.

Rosencrantz:

I do?

Guildenstern:

Yeah. Dead Forty years. Okay lets get the wax on the

tracks… We got a son and heir that aint all there and

an unlimited expense account that I intend to exceed.

Indicating the telephone kiosk

Take that with you,(beat) he might wanna call back.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.